What you’re about to read is a popular label applied to Westerners — like me — who relocate to Asia for teaching, living, and, retiring.
It’s most commonly used to describe cringey and pathetic white men who can’t get laid in their home country. These same men move to Asia, teach English, and use their semi-better-than-a-local’s salary to attract a “super hot Asian girlfriend” (which, everyone knows, would never happen in their home country unless they were rich like Mark Zuckerberg).
Quick note: This term DOES NOT EXCLUDE Western women (they, too, can be losers back home).
Define: Loser Back Home (LBH)
Um, I’m pretty sure I already defined it. Didn’t you read the intro above?
If not, here’s a screenshot of Urban Dictionary‘s definition of me.
Oops, I mean the definition of a Loser Back Home (LBH):
Ouch. That’s pretty fu*king brutal, eh?
My couch surfing host in Seoul introduced me to the concept when I was cycling across South Korea to secure a Humanities Visa for Japan for an English Teaching job.
CS Host: “Jef, are you a Loser Back Home?”
Me: “Sorry, a what?”
CS Host: “You know, an LBH? Have you never heard that before?”
Me: “No, I have not…”
My CS host then shared one too many fu*ked up stories plus the gossip and bullying she endured when she became an English teacher in South Korea.
She also detailed the traits that would get you labelled as an LBH. Which, if I recall correctly, included everything you’re about to read in the lists below.
DSM-5-LBH Self-Assessment:
Disclaimer: A diagnosis of Loser Back Home Syndrome (LBH Sybdrone) requires the presence of at least three (3) physical, financial, or behavioral traits from the categories below, persisting for a minimum of six (6) months and causing clinically significant impairment in dating, dignity, or Tinder profile maintenance.
Symptoms must not be better explained by another condition, such as actually being on vacation. If you exhibit five (5) or more traits, please seek immediate consultation with a long-term expat who has not yet succumbed. If you exhibit ten (10) or more, please return to your home country immediately as you do not belong in Asia and you should be ashamed of yourself for being there.
Physical traits:
- Bald or balding (especially with a bad comb-over or a desperate-looking shaved-Andrew-Tate-like-head-but-keep-the-beard combo)
- Overweight, often pot-bellied, sometimes morbidly so
- Out of shape in a way that signals zero gym access or zero gym effort back home
- Older than they should be for the dating pool they’re chasing (think 50s or 60s pursuing women in their late-teens and 20s)
- Bad teeth, especially British and American varieties who “never saw” or “could afford” a dentist
- Greasy hair, neckbeard energy, plus cargo-shorts-and-sandals with a tourist-forever look
- Visible tattoos that suggest they were in prison or in a biker gang
- Dresses like they’re 22 when they’re 52 (e.g., backwards caps, basketball jerseys, vape in hand)
Financial / lifestyle traits:
- Broke or near-broke (i.e., surviving on an English teaching salary with no savings or Bitcoins)
- Living in cheap shared accommodations or dodgy guesthouses well past the age that’s cute
- Perpetual backpacker energy with the same Osprey bag their mother bought them at 15 years old
- Drinks at the same expat bar every night and have stool reserved for them
- Smokes heavily (cigarettes, sometimes weed openly, even where it’s illegal)
- No retirement plan, no savings, no insurance, no plan B (but can somehow afford the real “Plan B” when they forget to pull out)
- Owes money in their home country (back taxes, child support, student loans) and is partially abroad to dodge it
- Burns through money on bar fines, “girlfriend” support, and motorcycle accidents
Career / status traits:
- Stuck in the entry-level English teaching job for years with no upward movement
- Failed at multiple attempts to start a “business” abroad (bar, hostel, scuba shop, dive shop, scooter rental)
- No degree, or a useless degree, or a sketchy TEFL certificate from a 4-week online course
- No professional network, no LinkedIn presence, no real career history
- Quit or got fired from their last “real” job back home, often vaguely
- Was never going to be successful in their home country (and they know it, even if they won’t admit it)
- Posts on Facebook about “freedom” and “the rat race” while broke
Social / behavioral traits:
- Visibly insecure, overcompensates with loudness, oversharing, or fake confidence
- Awkward with women in their home country; suddenly “irresistible” once abroad
- Dates exclusively very young, very poor, very local women (bonus: there’s a 30+ year age gap)
- Hangs out in girlie bars, go-go bars, KTVs, massage parlors as their primary social activity
- Has a “girlfriend” they’re “supporting” who’s also “supported by” three other guys
- Talks shit about their home country constantly (i.e., taxes, women, government, “the woke gen”)
- Talks down to locals, treats service staff badly, but considers himself “one of them”
- Bitter and angry under the surface, often surfaces after a few drinks
- Conspiracy-curious (e.g., flat earther, anti-vax, sovereign citizen, crypto-pumping, Bitcoin maxi)
- Brags about how cheap everything is constantly but always wants to split the bill
- Refers to women by ranking systems (“she’s a solid 7 here, would be a 5 in my country”)
- Fled a divorce, a custody battle, or an accusation back home
- Can’t speak more than 20 words of the local language despite being there 10+ years
- Refers to all locals by stereotypes; can’t name three local friends
- Calls anyone who criticizes the lifestyle a “hater” or “jealous”
Generational / origin traits:
- Disproportionately British, American, Australian, Canadian, German, Russian
- Came over in the late 90s / early 2000s and never left
- Often divorced, sometimes multiple times
- Often estranged from kids back home (or multiple “accidental” kids throughout Asia)
- Often Vietnam-vet, ex-military, ex-cop archetypes (especially in the older cohort)
- Often the middle-aged “I sold my house and now I’m here” recent-arrival cohort
Other dead giveaways and tells:
- Wears a fanny pack unironically
- Gold chain over a tank top in 35°C weather
- Drinks Chang/Tiger/San Miguel exclusively, rejects local craft beer as “snobby”
- Always has a cigarette and a beer in hand in every photo
- Photos of him with a young local woman are the only photos on his Facebook
- Refers to the local women as “the ladies” or worse
- Has a motorbike but no helmet
- His About section says “world traveler” or “free spirit” or “citizen of the world”
- Uses the word “expat” for himself but “immigrant” for everyone else
If You or Someone You Know is a Loser Back Home, Please Call the Toll-Free Hotline: +1 800-LBH-HELP
Look, this whole post has been dark and sarcastic.
But you knew that going in, right?
If not, you’re probably just a chain-smoking, tank top wearing LBH like I was who got lured in with clever, click-bait copy while a bit tipsy after your third Singha by 11am. I hope you screenshot this and send it to that one guy you think you know in Pattaya to enjoy an afternoon of binging and bitching — you’re welcome.
Can I wrap this post up now? Please, without you hating me in the comments.
Okay, so…
I believe the term “Loser Back Home” is a fu*ked up slur.
Can I go so far as to call it racist?
No, of course not because I’m a 6 foot fall white guy, and, “my people” aren’t allowed to say they experienced racism. Gee, my European-colonial ancestors really did me dirty. As well as every White American who imported (i.e., enslaved) Africans for their cotton fields pre-Abraham Lincoln.
Yuck. Human history, eh? It’s so fu*king ugly.
Well, that’s all I got for you in this one.
If this is your first time reading my writing — thanks for being here!
I genuinely appreciate you. And, I trust you’ve read this with a grain of salt because right now we’re living in the AI-era where writers, free thinkers, and human intelligence are quickly becoming obsolete.
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If you didn’t enjoy this, uh…
Sorry and goodbye?